fml

CM says:
did you see new moon

Shana says:
yeah
LOL
dont judge me

CM says:
you look like half the people in that movie
i dont blame you

Shana says:
wtf???????????????
what does that even mean?

CM says:
your complexion

CM says:
you could have been an extra in casper dude

it never ends.

june 7th. that's a long time to not blog. i feel like i only write when there's no other outlet for my feelings. which is the truth. other things that are more personal, more private, i keep in a journal for myself. and those who find the need to read it. but i don't mind. read my journal. read about my life. it won't change anything in the end anyway.

we all sit here and read each others' blogs on the internet. but the real reason that people do that is because we want to feel like we are someone else, like we have someone else's life. we want someone else's life. something unfamiliar. something unknown, unlike our own. it's like an escape to an alternate reality.

writing, to me, is a form of therapy. i have no idea where one paragraph is going to go, or if it will even lead to the next. the rules of english no longer apply when you let your fingers run free and do all the talking. i don't even give myself time to think. i just type. because that's where great ideas come from.

i can definitely see myself as the drunken, lonely writer. sitting in the attic with no one to talk to. so i write, pretending that i'm talking to someone else. thinking someone is listening. that someone will care.

in the end, no one cares. as much as people say they care, they don't. no one gives a shit about problems that aren't their own. problems that they think they can relate to but actually have no idea what the circumstances are actually like.

i can change myself in any way possible. i can pretend to be whoever i want. i can change my nail color, i can lose/gain weight, i can dress like a hobo one day, and a princess the next. it doesn't matter what i change on that outside, because on the inside, i'm still going to be a wandering lost soul, in search of something that does not actually exist.

sadness, loneliness, feelings of inadequcey, pain and suffering is all life actually is. there are times when i feel happy. laughing happens and is over so quickly. then the negative feelings return. i find out they never left in the first place.

depression. lost sense of direction. that's all there is. there is nothing else.

there is..

there's the end.

Wireless things=awesome

The only reason that I am typing a new blog is the fact that I bought a new keyboard. I really hate when technology ceases to function. Including the keyboard on my laptop. One day, I turned it on, and it just didn't work. Sweet.

So here I've been, without my functioning keyboard, unable to do anythines unless I use the on-screen keyboard. Which is probably the most frustrating tool available on a computer. Especially for bloggers.

I'm not going to sit around and try to type a blog post for 100 years. I finally went to Best Buy last night to purchase a keyboard. Wireless. Bonus: Wireless mouse! Best inventions ever for the lazy.

I haven't updated this thing in months, and I was thinking about completely giving up the idea of posting at all anymore in it. But sometimes there are things that I think about that I don't really want to bother other people with.

Since last posting, I was able to find a job in the financial public relations field. It's a perfect entry-level job for me, and I'm learning a lot about public relations. Hopefully someday I can work myself up to an account executive of something. Right now, I am a media monitor and social media administrator.

The job is great and it's actually something that I don't mine waking up for in the morning. It pays, I'm learning a lot, and I really like my co-workers. I finally got semi-adjusted to everything, but I think now the office is going to be going through quite a bit of changes and rearrangements in the near future.

I don't think I will start talking about my personal life at this point. Everything is getting too overwhelming for me and I think I need to sit back and think of some solutions. I will say that I love my boyfriend and hopefully other people will just...stop. Just stop talking all the shit. Family is family. If people don't want to act like family, then they shouldn't even be a part of it. Enough said.

The Real Clueless

I, apparently, have no idea what I have gotten myself into. I moved here, to New Jersey, with all of the best intentions. However, I now have no clue where my life is going, I have no idea what to do.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to tell people when they ask me what my plans are.

Am I just supposed to let go..of everything that I once wanted, of everything I strived for in my future? I saw how I wanted to live. I saw the things that I wanted.

I've tried so hard to not think. Not think about ME, for that matter. Everything that I've wanted became material possessions. But I'm starting to realize that material possessions are not what's important in life.

There's also something that I have begun to realize. I've been so sheltered from so many things in my life. I haven't been out there, in the real world, with real people. I've been in my own little world. This little world where sickness and mentality does not exist. There's no big problems. At least nothing that can't be handled. What happens when I am finally living in a world that...is beyond anything I've ever experienced?

In this world, there is one thing that I have tried so hard to stay away from. Drama. I steer clear from it as much as humanly possible. I've always considered myself as a problem preventer. I know I shouldn't give a shit about anything, like what people think. But I do. I try to prevent as many problems as possible. Avoid conflict.

I guess lately I haven't been doing that as much as I should be. It's been the opposite. I've been looking for these problems. I have to stop believeing that things are perfect. I have to step up to the plate for once.

Instead of trying to help those who don't want my help, or at least those who do not recognize that I (as well as those around) are trying to help, I should be focusing on how to help myself. It's something that I've never had to do, because I've lived in this fairy tale universe where nothing is a problem. Money wasn't a problem. Now it is. PEOPLE weren't a problem. Now, they are. I have become involved in a world that I can't leave, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I have no idea where to even begin.

How long will it take me to adjust? How long will it take before I crack?

I have a semi mental breakdown last week. I threw the worst hissyfit, something I haven't done since high school. I threw myself down on the floor and cried until it hurt. I think I could've cried forever.

How does a person know if they are truly happy or not? I just don't seem to be able to tell anymore. I am so clueless. In life. About everything.

And I hate it.

Sweet.

I hate life and everything about it.

Broke and jobless.

Here I am. In New Jersey. Living with the man I love the most.

Alright. Only one problem.

I've managed to run completely OUT of money. I've been sending out at least 5-8 resumes daily. I've had one job interview in TriBeCa. I should hear next week whether I get the job. I swear, I better get this job. Because if I don't, or at least if I don't find a job soon, I don't know what I'm going to do. I have maxed out numerous credit cards. And my bank account is empty. I have BILLS, and student loans to pay back. Not to mention RENT.

At this point, I'm completely freaking out (only on the inside) and I do not know what I'm going to do. Obviously, the first thing on my priority list is to obtain a job immediately. And I'm so desperate right now. This is exactly what I hate: living paycheck to paycheck. Granted, I've never actually HAD to live paycheck to paycheck, but I now am, and it sucks. I just need something, anything, to lift my spirits. I need some kind of reassurance that everything is going to be okay. Because right now, things aren't looking great and I really don't know what to do. Maybe I'm too cautious and worried about having bad credit. I've never missed a payment in three years, so I guess I just need to relax a little. I just heard today my brother's going through the same thing.

So what I have to look forward to: my phone being shut off, not having money for groceries, four (!!!) late credit card payments, not actually getting to sleep in a REAL bed for another couple of months, late student loan payments, unemployment, and a plethora of other various problems. At least the love life is great and I have someone to (emotionally) support me. This is what I came out here for. Now I have to deal with it. So stop bitching and moaning, and start job searching, for the third time today.

You'll Never Know!

It's been over a month since I last posted. I posted about everything that I want. Things that I wanted to put on my vision board.

Well, let me give you an update.

Things to put on my vision board:
+the love of my life, the most important.. CHECK
+snuggles and hugs and love..CHECK
+jersey..CHECK
+my career..currently working on
+money, money, money!
+a range rover or cadillac cts (I have no problems spoiling myself)

Ok. Within a month, I've already given myself three of the things I wanted. I found a really great guy who I love more than anything, and simply packed up and left. Now I'm living with him (after meeting him face-to-face for the first time--we met on Xbox), and when it came time for me to go home, I couldn't do it. So now...I'm still here. With him. And it's great. I'm really happy and so in love with him.

I just got my B.A.A. in public relations so now I've started looking for a job. It's career time. This is what I want. And I usually get what I want. I'm not being snobby about it, but it's the truth. Things seem to always work out for me. I'm waiting for all of this good luck to rub off eventually.

I'll keep you posted on how things are turning out. It might take a little more time to get my range rover..hehe!