The Real Clueless

I, apparently, have no idea what I have gotten myself into. I moved here, to New Jersey, with all of the best intentions. However, I now have no clue where my life is going, I have no idea what to do.

I have no idea what I'm supposed to tell people when they ask me what my plans are.

Am I just supposed to let go..of everything that I once wanted, of everything I strived for in my future? I saw how I wanted to live. I saw the things that I wanted.

I've tried so hard to not think. Not think about ME, for that matter. Everything that I've wanted became material possessions. But I'm starting to realize that material possessions are not what's important in life.

There's also something that I have begun to realize. I've been so sheltered from so many things in my life. I haven't been out there, in the real world, with real people. I've been in my own little world. This little world where sickness and mentality does not exist. There's no big problems. At least nothing that can't be handled. What happens when I am finally living in a world that...is beyond anything I've ever experienced?

In this world, there is one thing that I have tried so hard to stay away from. Drama. I steer clear from it as much as humanly possible. I've always considered myself as a problem preventer. I know I shouldn't give a shit about anything, like what people think. But I do. I try to prevent as many problems as possible. Avoid conflict.

I guess lately I haven't been doing that as much as I should be. It's been the opposite. I've been looking for these problems. I have to stop believeing that things are perfect. I have to step up to the plate for once.

Instead of trying to help those who don't want my help, or at least those who do not recognize that I (as well as those around) are trying to help, I should be focusing on how to help myself. It's something that I've never had to do, because I've lived in this fairy tale universe where nothing is a problem. Money wasn't a problem. Now it is. PEOPLE weren't a problem. Now, they are. I have become involved in a world that I can't leave, and I have no idea how to deal with it. I have no idea where to even begin.

How long will it take me to adjust? How long will it take before I crack?

I have a semi mental breakdown last week. I threw the worst hissyfit, something I haven't done since high school. I threw myself down on the floor and cried until it hurt. I think I could've cried forever.

How does a person know if they are truly happy or not? I just don't seem to be able to tell anymore. I am so clueless. In life. About everything.

And I hate it.