So I received some flowers in the mail today. Everyone was excited, but I was definitely confused because there was no one in my life right now that would send me flowers. V is out at sea and told me he wouldn't send me anymore flowers. Well anyway the cards reads "If you get this, then I have passed away. I just wanted to be everything your heart wants me to be...your true love, your sorrow, and your eternal happiness. Live true to your heart Shana, no one elses. V."
WHAT!? My ex fucking died?!?! He was sick, which we both knew. I'm the only person he told. Apparently he died. I don't know if this is true or not, so I still have to confirm. Find out the truth. Find out what happened. This is some pretty bad news if it's true. I don't know how to handle it.
Wow.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
It's been so long...
since I last blogged about anything. I usually only blog when there's something I am stressed out about, which hasn't really been the case lately.
I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I cannot even believe how fast time is flying. In less than 2 months, if my internship is complete, I'll be getting my degree. Ahh I'm so excited for that. I really want to be done with everything school related. This also means I have to join the real world. REAL soon. I have been thinking about getting a job so I can purchase a car. So Starting tomorrow I'm going to start looking around. I really wish I wouldn't have spent all my savings. I needed the money to pay for books and tuition, but I really wish I still had it for a down payment for a car.
Life is...life. I can't figure out my emotions but I think I've been down because of the change in weather. It's getting really cold out and for some reason it makes me sad. The Halloween time kinda makes me feel freaky. LOL. I don't know how that's supposed to sound. Oh well.
I've still been spending quite a bit of time with CB. He really is so wonderful and I really do love him so much. He has always, since the time I met him, been special to me in a way that no one has ever been. I've been able to help him, as he has been able to help me. I feel like I've grown so much. I've been able to find out so much about myself within the last year. I don't know if I could ever tell him how much he has done for me, how happy he makes me and how much I love him. I want him in my life, and that's all there is to it. I just want to hear his voice. I want to be held by him. I have never even met him in person, but this is really how I feel.
On that note, there's a part of me that doesn't feel good enough for him. I have such a low self-esteem that I don't feel good enough for anyone, really. Could be in part due to the years being a relationship where I was constantly told to change myself. I'm just me, and that's all I really have to offer. I am in no way perfect, as much as I want to be. There's so much I want to change about myself (but I can't exactly afford it). If I think he's worth it, which he is, then I want to feel perfect for him. Easier said than done. I'm afraid that if we do meet, he won't find me as beautiful as he does now. This is my hesistance. The only thing holding me back from wanting to be in his arms right now. I have so much work to do.
Well, anyways, I would like to move out to the east coast next year. I don't know how much I'll love NYC, but I at least want to experience it before I pass it up. I'm ready to leave Michigan. The state is dead. There's no jobs here. I don't know how the economy got so bad. It's just terrible here and more plants are closing down every week. It's depressing. Time to move on. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be able to live comfortably and pay my bills (phone, car, rent, school loans).
Alright, so much going on. I have so much stuff to do. I have to finish my internship. Buy a car. Figure out my life. Ya know, the usual.
Have a great week.
xoxo
Peace.Love.XD.
I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I cannot even believe how fast time is flying. In less than 2 months, if my internship is complete, I'll be getting my degree. Ahh I'm so excited for that. I really want to be done with everything school related. This also means I have to join the real world. REAL soon. I have been thinking about getting a job so I can purchase a car. So Starting tomorrow I'm going to start looking around. I really wish I wouldn't have spent all my savings. I needed the money to pay for books and tuition, but I really wish I still had it for a down payment for a car.
Life is...life. I can't figure out my emotions but I think I've been down because of the change in weather. It's getting really cold out and for some reason it makes me sad. The Halloween time kinda makes me feel freaky. LOL. I don't know how that's supposed to sound. Oh well.
I've still been spending quite a bit of time with CB. He really is so wonderful and I really do love him so much. He has always, since the time I met him, been special to me in a way that no one has ever been. I've been able to help him, as he has been able to help me. I feel like I've grown so much. I've been able to find out so much about myself within the last year. I don't know if I could ever tell him how much he has done for me, how happy he makes me and how much I love him. I want him in my life, and that's all there is to it. I just want to hear his voice. I want to be held by him. I have never even met him in person, but this is really how I feel.
On that note, there's a part of me that doesn't feel good enough for him. I have such a low self-esteem that I don't feel good enough for anyone, really. Could be in part due to the years being a relationship where I was constantly told to change myself. I'm just me, and that's all I really have to offer. I am in no way perfect, as much as I want to be. There's so much I want to change about myself (but I can't exactly afford it). If I think he's worth it, which he is, then I want to feel perfect for him. Easier said than done. I'm afraid that if we do meet, he won't find me as beautiful as he does now. This is my hesistance. The only thing holding me back from wanting to be in his arms right now. I have so much work to do.
Well, anyways, I would like to move out to the east coast next year. I don't know how much I'll love NYC, but I at least want to experience it before I pass it up. I'm ready to leave Michigan. The state is dead. There's no jobs here. I don't know how the economy got so bad. It's just terrible here and more plants are closing down every week. It's depressing. Time to move on. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be able to live comfortably and pay my bills (phone, car, rent, school loans).
Alright, so much going on. I have so much stuff to do. I have to finish my internship. Buy a car. Figure out my life. Ya know, the usual.
Have a great week.
xoxo
Peace.Love.XD.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
It would appear...
that my track record has caught up to me. The current e-boy that I'm dating, who constantly tells me how much he loves me, was having second thoughts about the "us" situation yesterday.
Can I tell you how shitty that made me feel? If you don't know me, then by track record I mean that I haven't been single since I was 16. I go from one guy to the next to the next. There's been five guys now. Most of which I already knew I didn't have a long term future with. Basically, my BF(?), CB, right now feels as though he's just another one of those guys. And he doesn't feel like he can trust me. I never did anything that would make him NOT trust me, so I don't understand why he feels this way. Is it me, or is it just him? He has a lot of trust issues with everyone, but he said my actions make him feel this way. He thinks I'm some hardcore partyer, and I'm really not. I don't even like partying, honestly. He wants to settle down and just spend nights hanging out, which is exactly what I love doing most. I just don't know what I have to do to make him believe me and it sucks. I feel like he's wanting to give up on us because we really even began. I mean, before we really get into things I want to make sure he knows me and he has to know what I want. I'm not really a complex person. I like things simple. No drama and no bull shit.
Sitting here typing this, now I'm having second thoughts. I REALLY don't want to lose him. I don't ever want him out of my life. And maybe based on my track record, I should just be friends with him. I mean, I REALLY don't want to lose him. He's the one person that I would literally do anything for. I just can't believe we're in this situation right now. Maybe we went too fast. Maybe we should go slower, spend some more time apart. I don't know. I was planning the rest of my life with him in it, and now.. I just don't know anymore.
Maybe not knowing is half of the fun?
Peace.Love.XD.
Can I tell you how shitty that made me feel? If you don't know me, then by track record I mean that I haven't been single since I was 16. I go from one guy to the next to the next. There's been five guys now. Most of which I already knew I didn't have a long term future with. Basically, my BF(?), CB, right now feels as though he's just another one of those guys. And he doesn't feel like he can trust me. I never did anything that would make him NOT trust me, so I don't understand why he feels this way. Is it me, or is it just him? He has a lot of trust issues with everyone, but he said my actions make him feel this way. He thinks I'm some hardcore partyer, and I'm really not. I don't even like partying, honestly. He wants to settle down and just spend nights hanging out, which is exactly what I love doing most. I just don't know what I have to do to make him believe me and it sucks. I feel like he's wanting to give up on us because we really even began. I mean, before we really get into things I want to make sure he knows me and he has to know what I want. I'm not really a complex person. I like things simple. No drama and no bull shit.
Sitting here typing this, now I'm having second thoughts. I REALLY don't want to lose him. I don't ever want him out of my life. And maybe based on my track record, I should just be friends with him. I mean, I REALLY don't want to lose him. He's the one person that I would literally do anything for. I just can't believe we're in this situation right now. Maybe we went too fast. Maybe we should go slower, spend some more time apart. I don't know. I was planning the rest of my life with him in it, and now.. I just don't know anymore.
Maybe not knowing is half of the fun?
Peace.Love.XD.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
What up, what's happenin! lol
I love that I can take a couple minutes out of my "work day" to blog a little. There's actually a lot that I need to do that I should be doing, but I think I'm gonna call it a day.
To be honest, the day is just beginning. Being the little social butterfy that I am (I am NOT) I have an event for work that I have to go to tonight. Its put on every Wednesday night in the Historic Eastern Market in Detroit. So again I'll be down there by myself all scared and lonely because I have no Detroit friends. Gotta love it. Whatever. I just hope the people I love knows that I love them. hahah. I may be exagerating quite a bit. I have an event to go to on Saturday night as well at Sweet Georgia Brown in Greektown. I'm really not a partygoer but I guess this is the life, right? At least I'm not sitting at home on XBox? I wish I was, and that's the sad part.
My CB received his gift yesterday in which he lurved! I actually did go out of my way to spend a little bit of cash on him, which is alright because I know how much I love him and how much he loves me. And even if I was just his friend, he needed his gift because I want to make his life easier and better in some way. I spend 300 hours a day on my laptop and its pathetic but I can't imagine anyon being without teh interwebs. Anyway, I'm glad he liked it. It made me feel better knowing that he was happy.
What else do I have going on? My friend from Chicago is coming home this weekend, and it would be pretty sweet if I could hang out with him. I don't think I've seen him in 3 years.
Can I just get this off my chest real quick? Fucking guys are fucking assholes*. I really really really am still pissed about my little situation with a friend (no..aquaintance) and I would love SO much to blurb it all out on here but I don't know who reads this, and this is stuff you would only tell your best girl friend. It definitely involves chinging, being asked to ching his friend who was visiting for the weekend (how sad is that?), asked for a threesome with MY friend, and then being pissed about a lot of other things that were said. I wanted to be realllyy mad about it but I was.uh. happy at the time. And even so I still can't hate the guy! We all say things when we're drunk that we don't mean, right? Wow. Unreal. Yeah I would be okay with never speaking to him again. Unfuckingreal. By the way, I obvioulsly turned down all the offers, FYI. On the bright side, his possible crush walked in and saw me and him sitting by each other on the couch and assumed something was up (which, I promise, wasn't) and he got in a tizzy because she thought it. I walked out to the front porch and laughed in my head. That's what he gets.
I figuring out more and more that I really do have different personalities and it's becoming harder to control them. My head is all over the place and I just can't seem to figure myself out. Actually, I just stopped trying all together. I actually STOPPED thinking about my life. I'm just living now day-to-day only deciding at the moment what I want to do. My biggest problem is that I literally do things JUST so I can say I did them. Which doesn't hold me back from much. I have a problem saying no. I mean, yes, I can say no. But where's the fun in that?? hehe.
Peace.Love.XD.
*Not all guys, but some.
To be honest, the day is just beginning. Being the little social butterfy that I am (I am NOT) I have an event for work that I have to go to tonight. Its put on every Wednesday night in the Historic Eastern Market in Detroit. So again I'll be down there by myself all scared and lonely because I have no Detroit friends. Gotta love it. Whatever. I just hope the people I love knows that I love them. hahah. I may be exagerating quite a bit. I have an event to go to on Saturday night as well at Sweet Georgia Brown in Greektown. I'm really not a partygoer but I guess this is the life, right? At least I'm not sitting at home on XBox? I wish I was, and that's the sad part.
My CB received his gift yesterday in which he lurved! I actually did go out of my way to spend a little bit of cash on him, which is alright because I know how much I love him and how much he loves me. And even if I was just his friend, he needed his gift because I want to make his life easier and better in some way. I spend 300 hours a day on my laptop and its pathetic but I can't imagine anyon being without teh interwebs. Anyway, I'm glad he liked it. It made me feel better knowing that he was happy.
What else do I have going on? My friend from Chicago is coming home this weekend, and it would be pretty sweet if I could hang out with him. I don't think I've seen him in 3 years.
Can I just get this off my chest real quick? Fucking guys are fucking assholes*. I really really really am still pissed about my little situation with a friend (no..aquaintance) and I would love SO much to blurb it all out on here but I don't know who reads this, and this is stuff you would only tell your best girl friend. It definitely involves chinging, being asked to ching his friend who was visiting for the weekend (how sad is that?), asked for a threesome with MY friend, and then being pissed about a lot of other things that were said. I wanted to be realllyy mad about it but I was.uh. happy at the time. And even so I still can't hate the guy! We all say things when we're drunk that we don't mean, right? Wow. Unreal. Yeah I would be okay with never speaking to him again. Unfuckingreal. By the way, I obvioulsly turned down all the offers, FYI. On the bright side, his possible crush walked in and saw me and him sitting by each other on the couch and assumed something was up (which, I promise, wasn't) and he got in a tizzy because she thought it. I walked out to the front porch and laughed in my head. That's what he gets.
I figuring out more and more that I really do have different personalities and it's becoming harder to control them. My head is all over the place and I just can't seem to figure myself out. Actually, I just stopped trying all together. I actually STOPPED thinking about my life. I'm just living now day-to-day only deciding at the moment what I want to do. My biggest problem is that I literally do things JUST so I can say I did them. Which doesn't hold me back from much. I have a problem saying no. I mean, yes, I can say no. But where's the fun in that?? hehe.
Peace.Love.XD.
*Not all guys, but some.
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