The Future

There is no excuse for my lack of postings within the last month. It is inexcusable, and I am sorry, blog.

Moving on, I was told by one of my good friends, a shining star in my life, to create a vision board because it will bring me good luck and help my guide my life. She knows people whose boards have actually worked out in their lives.

I think I will make a vision board tomorrow. And by next week, the laws of attraction will take effect in my life.

Things to put on my vision board:
+the love of my life, the most important
+snuggles and hugs and love
+jersey
+my career
+money, money, money!
+a range rover or cadillac cts (I have no problems spoiling myself)

Alright. Vision board.

It's Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas Eve.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh wow, I can't believe it's almost 5 o'clock already. I feel like I have so much to do and time is at warp speed. Thanksgiving is tomorrow and there's still a lot of chores I have to do, like clean, do laundry, do my nails, ect. I'm meeting some of my old high school friends tonight at a local spot, so it will be nice to catch up with some people who I haven't seen in years.

I've been doing a lot of serious thinking about the whole move to New Jersey thing. It's definitely the first thing in my priority list right now. I just have to fine the funds to do so. I will have to get the first job I can find out there, non-PR related most likely since I will desperately need money for rent and various other bills. I got a letter in the mail the other day, which I had a good feeling of what it was, so I didn't bother to open it for two weeks. It's a letter telling me that I have to begin payment on one of my student loans next month. Ugh. I knew it. That's two of them that I will be paying on. Not to mention all the other loans I have taken out. I don't even know what to do with myself right now. I want to think that going to a university was for the better. I have to convince myself that my bachelor's degree is actually worth it, but I'm having a hard time believing that right now. I hate complaining about it because I know I'm not the only person in the world in this position. Thousands of dollars in debt with no signs of relief in sight. I actually am afraid of filing for bankrupty as a twenty-something and it absolutely scares me. So many young people my age are having to do the same thing and it's just..crazy.

The only good thing to have happened is gas prices. $1.54 a gallon now. Now that I don't have to drive anywhere.

I am feeling so ripped off by everything. Everything can be taken away from me, my posessions, my dignity, my freedom. Everything except my life. And I guess that's all that matters, right? No one ever said life was easy, but this is just starting to get ridiculous.

I refuse to share my worries and concerns with anyone. Or at least I try to make them not seem as serious as they really are. That is what I have this blog for. I simply cannot cry on anyone's shoulder about my debt because it was a choice I made, and I always find a way out of things.

This Thanksgiving, there is not much in my life to be thankful for. I guess I am breathing, and that's a start, right?

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone else out there. Make sure you ration the turkey.

<3

Lessons in Love

I liked this when I saw this. I am going to have to keep this in mind for the future, for when things get rough, and when I need a brief reminder.

From http://your-illfitting-overcoat.blogspot.com/:

A few of the things I've learned:
-No relationship is perfect. No, seriously. Not. Perfect. At. All.
-Soul mates wear disguises. Sometimes the love of your life doesn't look, walk, or talk like the ideal mate you've spent your life imagining. In fact, that's usually the case.
-Love takes time. 'Love at first sight' isn't love. Neither is 'love after three weeks' or 'love after three months'. Real love is a process, just like real friendship.
-Everyone has issues. Everyone has emotional baggage and everyone makes mistakes. Even people who seem like they have it all together.
-All relationships have conflict. Lots of it. In the beginning, in the middle, and all throughout. That's what happens when two adults-- carrying with them a lifetime of unique experiences, habits, and choices-- allow themselves to be vulnerable and build a life together. It's hard. And it's supposed to be.


This is a great, interesting blog. Check it out.

**Spoiler Alert***

Guess what?

I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight! I saw twilight!

Did you get all that?!!?

Holy crap the movie went by so fast compared to everything that happened in the books. There were a lot of differences and things that didn't happen. Should've stuck with the book, but that would've made a 6 hour long movie. I almost wish Bella narrated the movie so we could get a glimpse of how much she actually loves Edward. The book explains everything just so much better.

Not completely sure that I liked the Bella character. She was exactly how she was in the book, but I feel she is misunderstood because we don't know what's going on her head (much like Edward). Hmm. Kristen Stewart is alright. Wouldn't personally be my choice but she did wonderful. Other than the whole emo business.

Edward. Where do I start with Edward?! Amazing. Perfect. Beautiful. Mmmmm. Yeah, I know you all know what I'm talking about.

Alice and Jasper were excellent, a good picture of how I imagined them. Alice was friendly and charming and she literally did dance when she walked. Jasper actually did look like he was the one in pain. Emmett was a huge dork! hahaha!! Tough guy! I liked him! He made me laugh, as he did in the books as well. Rosalie probably exuded the most personality, even if it was hatred toward Bella. Rosalie definitely did not have this much action in the books. Not until Renesmee came along at least. Carlisle and Esme were great too! Carlisle was great and we actually got to see a little more about him and his personality than the others. Esme did a great job too.

Mike Newton and Jessica were both equally annoying. Mike being a complete goof and Jessica a ditz. Perfect for each other. Angela and Eric were alright.

Ok I'm still freaking out. The first time I saw Edward on screen...he has the most perfect hair ever. I promise I'm going to stop talking about Edward. And all of his perfectness.

Edward was more rude in the movie than he was in the book, which I hated, but I guess it gave him more personality. Kinda creepy because he was watching her for months without her knowing. I think my favorite scene was when they were playing baseball. Too bad it was so short. I wish it was longer because it was so fun!!!

Overall the movie left so much that I feel really defined the relationships between the characters. I feel like people who didn't watch the book wouldn't know SO much that's necessary to understand. Ahhhh so much was left out!

I know the next one isn't coming out until 2010 but I already can't wait!!! This shit's gonna keep me excited until 2015!! lol!

Love it! Love it! Love it!!!

I was just thinking about it.

"I have to tell you something and I don't want you to be mad." is the worst sentence in the world to hear.

One thing's for sure...

Of COURSE I am! Why wouldn't I be?!?!

Alright. Let's get one thing straight. I read all of the books, from cover to cover, all four. In less than two weeks. I read like nonstop for two weeks.

Because I am a (twenty-two-year-old) Twilight fan, I am of course looking forward to the movie coming out tomorrow at midnight (technically Friday). Although I've watched the trailer (probably more than a million times), and watches the movie clips (also probably more than a million times), I'm not sure the movie is going to live up to the greatness of the book. Of course, movies are never as good as the book. But I'm thinking that this movie is going to be particularly bad. I don't even know how you can possibly capture the true essence of Edward and Bella on-screen. Bella actually tells you what's going through her mind in the books. I just don't think it's going to be as good. I am, however, still excited for the movie.

Alright, what else is going on in my life? I can honestly say not a whole lot. I mean the biggest change to occur may actually be the new xbox live dashboard. But that's probably not something I care enough to write about.

I'm feeling...

...pretty terrible lately. I don't know. Physically and mentally. I've been having some pretty shitty tummyaches lately, can't figure out why. I have a good idea why, but I think the only way to solve THAT problem is surgery, so we're going to skip the doctors appointment on that one. I'll just live with the daily pain. Whatever. I don't care.

So my next major thing is that I'm trying to figure out how to be with my buddy (CB). I want to start a new, more adventurous life (LOL!!) and I want to begin by moving out to New Jersey to be with him. I have a pretty good feeling about this. I think things will work out the way they are supposed to, right? Have faith in life, right?

OMG I'm gonna kill him. He thinks he's driving out here sometime soon. With his brother. Ugh. This is the problem with someone having your address. If they are determined enough, THEY SHOW UP AT YOUR DOORSTEP. Yes, this has happened before. Last month actually when V showed up from California to my house. I absolutely freaked. NOT cool when I say it's NOT okay.

Alright, well, now I'm having a panic attack. Sooo. awesome. Sweet. Let's hope I don't start seizuring. Weeee!

Love life.

XOXO
Peace. Love. XD.

Snow: The Final Arrival

The snow is on it's way. I can feel the cold bitterness in the air. I can feel the cold pricking my skin like a thousand sharp needles. It is uncomfortable, but inevitable. The cold brings the snow every year; I should be used to it. Living in Michigan, I am no stranger to what the cold and the snow mean each year. Although I claim to hate it, I have no idea how the winter season could possibly exist without snow. Or even coldness for that matter.

As you might be able to tell, I am freezing right now. There's a crazy cold draft in my room that's making sleep a hard activity to endure. I snuggle in my down comforter to escape, my shield from the needles.

There hasn't really been anything new happening in my life as of late. I recently purchased Gears of War 2 for Xbox 360, so I've been playing that with CB a lot lately. It's a really good game. I never played the first one. After spending nearly 39 days TOTAL playing Call of Duty 4, this is a great change of pace. I can literally play CoD4 in my sleep. I've spent more time than anyone I know on that game. I'm so good at it, too. So now when I play GoW2, I'm a little depressed that I'm that so great. It's a completely different style of gameplay. I sound like a nerd so I'm going to move on.

I an considerably happy with the presidential election. Although I am a little curious as to how everything will pan out in the next four years. I already heard the possibility of Obama tapping into the rescue fund to help save Michigan's auto industry. Yes, I actually just made a news reference, which may be the most intelligent thing I've said yet on my blog.

As B, my boss, once told me, it is important to make a goal and a game plan. I already picked my goal, and now I need to figure out how I am going to achieve this goal. I'm scared to death, but it is something I want more than anything in the world, so it's going to happen.

I also figured out how many more hours I need to graduate in December. I actually only need 63 I believe. In five weeks. I think it can be done, don't you? I need 300 total and I've worked there since June. I've decided that I'm going to do what I need to do to graduate in December. School should come first. My bachelors degree is so close, I can taste it. But before that, I still have a lot of work to do. I better get started, right?

First things first, I have to get on a normal sleeping schedule. I can't keep going to bed at 4 in the morning. I sleep every night from 4 a.m. to noon. Which is a good eight hours but still inconvenient. Oh well. Tomorrow, resumes, work, tanning, work out, conference call, and maybe some other things. Let's get started on this game plan. = )

Peace. Love. XD.

GO VOTE!

Yes, I just spent 12 straight hours completing New Moon, the second book in the Twilight series. Twelve straight hours of nothing but reading. I don't even know if I ate, or rather breathed during this time.

Honestly, between Nate Archibald and Edward Cullen, I may actually go crazy. I haven't encountered such parasocial interaction in quite some time. Of course it's imaginary, but can't I at least dream? hehe.

I'm also a HUGE True Blood fan now as well. LOVE that show (HBO, Sundays @ 9p).

Vampires may be subjected to eternal damnation, but why the hell do they still have to be so cool?

Anyway, NOVEMBER 4TH, GO VOTE! I don't care WHO you vote for, just go do it.

I wish I would've pick up an absentee ballot. I'm not wanting to wait in line forever. Whatever though. I can start reading Eclipse. hehe.

On another note, I've gotten pretty alright at Texas Hold 'Em. lol. I have so much free time, it's ridiculous.

More later.

xoxo
Peace.Love.XD.

Ugh.

So I received some flowers in the mail today. Everyone was excited, but I was definitely confused because there was no one in my life right now that would send me flowers. V is out at sea and told me he wouldn't send me anymore flowers. Well anyway the cards reads "If you get this, then I have passed away. I just wanted to be everything your heart wants me to be...your true love, your sorrow, and your eternal happiness. Live true to your heart Shana, no one elses. V."

WHAT!? My ex fucking died?!?! He was sick, which we both knew. I'm the only person he told. Apparently he died. I don't know if this is true or not, so I still have to confirm. Find out the truth. Find out what happened. This is some pretty bad news if it's true. I don't know how to handle it.

Wow.

It's been so long...

since I last blogged about anything. I usually only blog when there's something I am stressed out about, which hasn't really been the case lately.

I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I cannot even believe how fast time is flying. In less than 2 months, if my internship is complete, I'll be getting my degree. Ahh I'm so excited for that. I really want to be done with everything school related. This also means I have to join the real world. REAL soon. I have been thinking about getting a job so I can purchase a car. So Starting tomorrow I'm going to start looking around. I really wish I wouldn't have spent all my savings. I needed the money to pay for books and tuition, but I really wish I still had it for a down payment for a car.

Life is...life. I can't figure out my emotions but I think I've been down because of the change in weather. It's getting really cold out and for some reason it makes me sad. The Halloween time kinda makes me feel freaky. LOL. I don't know how that's supposed to sound. Oh well.

I've still been spending quite a bit of time with CB. He really is so wonderful and I really do love him so much. He has always, since the time I met him, been special to me in a way that no one has ever been. I've been able to help him, as he has been able to help me. I feel like I've grown so much. I've been able to find out so much about myself within the last year. I don't know if I could ever tell him how much he has done for me, how happy he makes me and how much I love him. I want him in my life, and that's all there is to it. I just want to hear his voice. I want to be held by him. I have never even met him in person, but this is really how I feel.

On that note, there's a part of me that doesn't feel good enough for him. I have such a low self-esteem that I don't feel good enough for anyone, really. Could be in part due to the years being a relationship where I was constantly told to change myself. I'm just me, and that's all I really have to offer. I am in no way perfect, as much as I want to be. There's so much I want to change about myself (but I can't exactly afford it). If I think he's worth it, which he is, then I want to feel perfect for him. Easier said than done. I'm afraid that if we do meet, he won't find me as beautiful as he does now. This is my hesistance. The only thing holding me back from wanting to be in his arms right now. I have so much work to do.

Well, anyways, I would like to move out to the east coast next year. I don't know how much I'll love NYC, but I at least want to experience it before I pass it up. I'm ready to leave Michigan. The state is dead. There's no jobs here. I don't know how the economy got so bad. It's just terrible here and more plants are closing down every week. It's depressing. Time to move on. I want to DO something with my life. I want to be able to live comfortably and pay my bills (phone, car, rent, school loans).

Alright, so much going on. I have so much stuff to do. I have to finish my internship. Buy a car. Figure out my life. Ya know, the usual.

Have a great week.

xoxo
Peace.Love.XD.

It would appear...

that my track record has caught up to me. The current e-boy that I'm dating, who constantly tells me how much he loves me, was having second thoughts about the "us" situation yesterday.

Can I tell you how shitty that made me feel? If you don't know me, then by track record I mean that I haven't been single since I was 16. I go from one guy to the next to the next. There's been five guys now. Most of which I already knew I didn't have a long term future with. Basically, my BF(?), CB, right now feels as though he's just another one of those guys. And he doesn't feel like he can trust me. I never did anything that would make him NOT trust me, so I don't understand why he feels this way. Is it me, or is it just him? He has a lot of trust issues with everyone, but he said my actions make him feel this way. He thinks I'm some hardcore partyer, and I'm really not. I don't even like partying, honestly. He wants to settle down and just spend nights hanging out, which is exactly what I love doing most. I just don't know what I have to do to make him believe me and it sucks. I feel like he's wanting to give up on us because we really even began. I mean, before we really get into things I want to make sure he knows me and he has to know what I want. I'm not really a complex person. I like things simple. No drama and no bull shit.

Sitting here typing this, now I'm having second thoughts. I REALLY don't want to lose him. I don't ever want him out of my life. And maybe based on my track record, I should just be friends with him. I mean, I REALLY don't want to lose him. He's the one person that I would literally do anything for. I just can't believe we're in this situation right now. Maybe we went too fast. Maybe we should go slower, spend some more time apart. I don't know. I was planning the rest of my life with him in it, and now.. I just don't know anymore.

Maybe not knowing is half of the fun?

Peace.Love.XD.

What up, what's happenin! lol

I love that I can take a couple minutes out of my "work day" to blog a little. There's actually a lot that I need to do that I should be doing, but I think I'm gonna call it a day.

To be honest, the day is just beginning. Being the little social butterfy that I am (I am NOT) I have an event for work that I have to go to tonight. Its put on every Wednesday night in the Historic Eastern Market in Detroit. So again I'll be down there by myself all scared and lonely because I have no Detroit friends. Gotta love it. Whatever. I just hope the people I love knows that I love them. hahah. I may be exagerating quite a bit. I have an event to go to on Saturday night as well at Sweet Georgia Brown in Greektown. I'm really not a partygoer but I guess this is the life, right? At least I'm not sitting at home on XBox? I wish I was, and that's the sad part.

My CB received his gift yesterday in which he lurved! I actually did go out of my way to spend a little bit of cash on him, which is alright because I know how much I love him and how much he loves me. And even if I was just his friend, he needed his gift because I want to make his life easier and better in some way. I spend 300 hours a day on my laptop and its pathetic but I can't imagine anyon being without teh interwebs. Anyway, I'm glad he liked it. It made me feel better knowing that he was happy.

What else do I have going on? My friend from Chicago is coming home this weekend, and it would be pretty sweet if I could hang out with him. I don't think I've seen him in 3 years.

Can I just get this off my chest real quick? Fucking guys are fucking assholes*. I really really really am still pissed about my little situation with a friend (no..aquaintance) and I would love SO much to blurb it all out on here but I don't know who reads this, and this is stuff you would only tell your best girl friend. It definitely involves chinging, being asked to ching his friend who was visiting for the weekend (how sad is that?), asked for a threesome with MY friend, and then being pissed about a lot of other things that were said. I wanted to be realllyy mad about it but I was.uh. happy at the time. And even so I still can't hate the guy! We all say things when we're drunk that we don't mean, right? Wow. Unreal. Yeah I would be okay with never speaking to him again. Unfuckingreal. By the way, I obvioulsly turned down all the offers, FYI. On the bright side, his possible crush walked in and saw me and him sitting by each other on the couch and assumed something was up (which, I promise, wasn't) and he got in a tizzy because she thought it. I walked out to the front porch and laughed in my head. That's what he gets.

I figuring out more and more that I really do have different personalities and it's becoming harder to control them. My head is all over the place and I just can't seem to figure myself out. Actually, I just stopped trying all together. I actually STOPPED thinking about my life. I'm just living now day-to-day only deciding at the moment what I want to do. My biggest problem is that I literally do things JUST so I can say I did them. Which doesn't hold me back from much. I have a problem saying no. I mean, yes, I can say no. But where's the fun in that?? hehe.

Peace.Love.XD.


*Not all guys, but some.

I hate you so much right now

There's so much to update in my life that I can't possibly begin to explain it all. I'll give you the run down though.

September 25-28th, 2008
+Drove to Sara's on Thursday night; decided to pick up J and head to Blackstone for the night; I saw an old friend who I haven't seen in a looonngg time; drank Bud Light and 1/3 of a fish bowl; assuming it was a great night because I can't remember how it ended except for sleeping with Sara
+Friday night was a Black and White social at Lacey's, complete with Everclear jello shots, cosmo's, beer pong, and a stripper pole; wasted; went home at 12:30 a.m.; hung out with F and E people; rum and coke; went over to the neighbors and witnessed what I thought was true all along; got wasted more; did things I shouldn't have but no regrets; MORE wasted; ran into a friend; went to another neighbors after an awkward and extremely embarassing situation (i.e. complete humiliation); went BACK to humiliation situation to be made a fool of some more; fuck my life
+After 4.5 hours of fucking crazy spinny, much needed sleep, me and Sara woke up and started drinking again at noon; group of friends came over for tailgating at the football game; went tailgating and had an awesome and amazing time; watched less than a quarter of the football game and went home to have Jet's; passed out at 5:30 in the afternoon; woke up only to feel like miserable SHIT; went to the neighbors; a girl walked in with a kitten in her Coach purse; Reece really wants a baby girl; hung out with Jill, Jenna and Sara the rest of the night; SLEEEEEP
+Sunday, STARBUCKS, home, MORE SLEEP, 8 hours of talking to CB/play CoD4; xbox is updating at 3 a.m.
+I have an amazing life. Enough said.

More later.

XD.

Seems like they don't love you til you're dead, right?

I love that I didn't even finish that last blog. I don't really remember what I was doing, but I was sidetracked by something. I'm constantly getting sidetracked.I guess that's the way I am though. I have to make myself available 24/7. I like being available for anyone to get ahold of whenever they need me, but damn. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. There's a lot of people between work, my real life friends and xbox friends. But what can I do?

I'm going to write a flat out letter. IF you boys ever read my blog, you would know this. The simple honest, flat out truth.

Dear V,
I am no longer your girlfriend because I gave my whole heart to someone else, and I made a promise that I wouldn't break it. I am truly sorry. I know I hurt you because you expected me to be someone that I am not for you. You also nicely told me that you want me to look better. And that you were afraid of cheating on me. It's over and I'm passed it. I feel like you should try moving on as well. And no, you're not flying out here.

Dear CB,
I did make a promise to you that I will never break your heart. You mean SO much to me, more than I will ever begin to explain to you. I know how hard it was for you to open up to me and tell me how much you love me. You didn't know if I felt the same way, but you took a dive and went for it anyway. I am so glad that you did. I have sooo much to tell you that it's hard for me to find the words when I'm talking to you. We have been through so much together, and I know we are going to go through so much more. You have worked so hard to change things in your life for me, and I couldn't be more proud of you. I hope you know how happy you make me every day.

You made me download this song tonight:
Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you, let it shine until you feel it all around you, and I don't mind if it's me you turn to, we'll get by, it's the heart that really matters in the end.

It's so true and I know things are bad, but we will get through them all. I love you so much.


XD.

I guess I can't really call myself a regular blogger based on the fact that I blog about once a week. It always feels like I do it more often than I do.

So here's the new plan: I'm moving to New York. I was thinking about this. Where else is the best place to work in sports, entertainment, and fashion PR? Those are my objectives (to work in one of those areas). I feel like New York is a great place for placement in this area as well as greater chances of a high(er) paying salary (than in Michigan). Big step for this little girl. How am I going to do it? I have no fucking clue, but I am.

There's a boy on the east coast that I love.

XD

Another day, another dollar

Life is getting more and more confusing each and every day. I'm not the kind of person who likes things to be dramatic and difficult. I'm more into simplicity, honesty, and being upfront. Afterall, I don't know unless you tell me.

All I can do is hope for the best and try my hardest. No one wants to be hurt in this situation. But someone's bound to be.

And most likely, it will be me.

You electrify my life

Honestly, if you know me at all, then you would know by now that I never have a dull day.

After a night of heavy drinking with friends, truth and confessions came forward, and everyone knows that that's exactly what can be fun.

I started off the day with a two hour conference call about web team things, which lead into playing xbox with some friends. I don't think I played xbox for as long as I did in a while. I'm not going to go into details, because all you need to know is the important facts.

My closest friend who I love to death admitted his true feelings to me. He was hesitant as first (it took him about an hour to work up the courage to tell me). But when he did, it was incredible. He told him me that he's in love with me. And he wants to be with me.

I am just so speechless and tried to comfort him because he was scared. I didn't realize that I should also immediately tell him that I too love him. But eventually, I gave him the answer that he needed to hear.I was just so worried about making him feel comforted.

And now my best friend CB is in love with me. And I love him back, more than anything. I think me and CB need each other more than anything right now. There are changes in our lives that we have to do together. I need him. And I know he needs me.

I have so much running through my mind right now. I don't even know where to begin to sort everything out. It's all just so crazy.

XD.

Some things will never change

So much has been going on lately in my life that I wouldn't know where to begin, even if I tried to. I've been having a lot of problems with boys lately, although I'm guessing boys are nothing but problems anyway. I'm going to tell you how last night went...

I had a little misunderstanding with my BFF CB about who knows what. He was a little drunk and I took something he said a little more serious than I should have I guess, which resulted in a very awkward conversation about the judgment of my character. I haven't lied to him at all. I was drinking slightly and I was offended by the comment he made, "its surprising that the truth comes out after someones had a little alcohol in them."

Now, yes, I know I drink, and I know I drink often. But I've been getting a lot of comments this like "Dahlia drinking?? Nooo!!!", and "Dahlia's drunk? She's always drunk!", and friends of my friends are actually worrying about me being a bad influence and to stay safe.

I think about these things and feel slightly offended although they are true, and yet, I still find myself in the booze aisle grabbing bottles of whatever drink I feel like making for that night. I've been spending around $60 a week on booze, not including the bars I've been going to. Sign of a problem? No, I really don't think so. It just feels so good when it hits my lips. By the way, oatmeal cookies tonight.

Moving on. After the misunderstanding with my friend, an OLD ex-friend started to message me to talk. Now, there is a high school rivalry going on there, and there are actually sides. I've picked my side which doesn't allow me to talk to this man who hurt me over and over and over, while I sat back and watched it happen. Everyone talks shit about him all the time, but I know he doesn't deserve it always. I really do think I know him better than anyone else and I hate hearing it. But I can't allow myself to talk to him because I know he's just going to hurt me more. So message exchange went on for a couple hours and finally I told him that I just can't talk to him. Done.

V calls me at almost 3 in the morning (I was just about to call him before I went to bed) and starts screaming at me. THIS was the LAST thing I expected. I really had no idea what I did to make him mad. Apparently he knew I was in distress while talking to the previously mentioned ex-friend, and I apparently ignored his requests to talk for a minute. I was super busy and I really could not talk. SO this argument went on for over 2 hours because I still couldn't figure out the part where he was mad enough to yell at me. I'm still a little confused. Whatever. He hung up on me, and I went to sleep. I don't plan on talking to him today either because I'm really not putting up with bullshit and he can take the time to figure out that I caused NO drama and he really overreacted in this situation.

I don't know. I don't even know if I still have a job. I just...hate this feeling. I'm beginning to wonder if I should just quit everything, take the semester off and work. Just try to save up some money so I buy a car. And then look for an internship in New York in the spring semester. I wish I had a magic 8 ball or a fortune teller that could read my future. CB and I made plans to move in with each other in the next 5-6 months, which means I have a lot of shit to figure out before then.

I'm going to go watch gossip girl.

XOXO
XD.

I run this..

Ok. I realize that it's been a while since I updated, but I just haven't had the time. I've been away from home for a while actually. I don't even know where to begin...

The 19th to the 22nd I was at Central hanging out with my former roomies for Welcome Week. SO much fun. I can't even believe I can get away with having that much fun. Friday I drove 2+ hours to a job interview, and then drove back home. That night, I hung out with my brother and CB via XBox Live, which is also quite amusing when you have the Live Vision cams. We saw some kid almost burn his house down.

Then Saturday I went back up to Central for the night. It was pretty up there being one of the craziest nights I ever had. I've been having a lot of those. 2008 was definitely my year. Amazing. I'm going to be heading back up to school tomorrow until Sunday. I spend so much time up there, and I don't even live there. lol. I can tell my car's gonna get towed eventually. I should make sure I get a visitors pass time. Umm. Yeah. I don't know.

So I think it was kinda decided yesterday that I will be moving out east. New York style. Which, no joke, is going to be a complete different world to me. I don't know. January..I'm outta here!! Possibly December. Hm. I don't know. The person who wants me to move out East has been amazing me lately. Just. AMAZING!

My Xbox broke again. I have to send it in again tomorrow. I have to finish my laundry and write a grocery list. Tomorrow is the first football game of the season. Everyone loves college football (cept me..). I'm excited to be going up there again. It's really like my home : (

Alright, I'm about to go for a run, shower, and spend the next 9 hours on Xbox Live. I'm addicted, I know.

PS... I havent been to work in SO long, but I guess I'm not the only one...no one really knows what's going on. I think they're making changes? I have no idea. But I'm still doing some work from home so it's ok. I got in 7 hours this week! LOL. That's terrible.

XD.

It's a mob!

Ok, it's official. I'm addicted to the Mobsters application game on myspace. I can't even tell you how many hours I've put on that game within the last two days. It's disgusting. By the way, if you play, I need more mobsters in my clan so please add me.

I went to work yesterday at 3 p.m. knowing it was going to be a long afternoon. I had a workshop at 4 p.m. about resume building and portfolios and all that good stuff. Before that, I had to contact my media contacts to see if they received my info. I didn't really have any luck. But it wasn't a complete waste because I may have started a sales deal. Hmm.

I had another meeting at 7 p.m. which discussed a lot of things I didn't really know about, but I learned. The big topic is the intern show, which is on Sunday. This show has to go off with a bang. I don't really have a part to play in it though. I'm going to be at Vondie's for sure for the after party though.

I have a dentist appointment right smack dab in the middle of my partying week. The dentist is three hours from where I'm going to be. Which MEANS I can either drive three hours from college to the denist and then back, only to drive two hours back to my parents house, or just call and switch the appointment toooo the next week. Which I'm thinking I should do. I do so much driving as it is. This shit's just getting crazy though.

I drank so much coffee throughout the day yesterday until 8 at night, which means sleeping was not an option last night. I slept for about an hour before I had to get up this morning. I'm about to pass OUT. I'm such a better daytime sleeper. I just want to be awake during the night.

I didn't get to play XBOX yesterday, which is OK I guess. I really want to be in like..a 2v2 clan or 4v4 on CoD via Game Battles, but I'm not sure if I'm going to be completely dependable when it comes to clan matches. I can't just be available 10 minutes in advance. Some people in this world have jobs. Sweet, awesome jobs that I only have to go to the office for a couple times a week.

Now I'm just going to sit here, drink my anti-oxidant tea, and wait until I can go back to sleep. I'm so excited for sleeping right now. I can promise that I will be asleep in about 1.5 minutes.


<3
XD.

All work and no play....yeah right..who am I kidding?

Here's the deal. I like work. I like going to work. I like being at the office. I enjoy the time there. However, I hate not being at work. And I hate living so far away. For example, there's a meeting at 3 o'clock today that I was not particularly aware of. That's in three minutes. If I left now, I would be there around 4:30. An hour and a half late. This is why I would prefer moving down towards the city. So that when I find out last minute about things, I can be there without being an hour and a half late.

The meeting is for the intern show coming up on Sunday. Tomorrow I plan on going into the office because I haven't been there since Saturday. I'm trying to conserve as much gas as possible. And it sucks. Because I feel like I miss out on a lot. My duties are duties that I can accomplish from home, like emails and calls and writing things. But it's really not the same as being in the office. I would probably get more done. Maybe. Probably not. There's less distractions at home. I don't have to spend three hours driving either. And I don't have to spend $6 on parking. I'm DEFINITELY going to the office tomorrow. I really don't know why I've been so lazy all week. Maybe because of this killer headache (that I got from sleeping too much). It's a catch-22. I sleep to get rid of my headache but it actually makes it worse because I don't need to sleep 12 hours a day.

Things are about to get exciting/busy in my life. A lot of stuff is about to happen, and I'm already telling myself to take it one day at a time. I have plans every day for pretty much the next 3 weeks. We'll see if I still have my sanity at the end of all the craziness/work/partying/drinking A LOT. YAY! I need a coffee refill.

XD.

Fiddy!

Haven't been blogging as much as I would like to. I've been busy, but who hasn't? Just so you know, I spend most of time time playing XBOX. I play A LOT of XBOX. Yes, I'm a girl gamer. I play CoD2, RSV2, and recently, Halo 3. I bet you wouldn't of guessed it. On good days, I can get at least eight hours of gaming in. I usually play at LEAST four hours a day. When I look at it all typed out, I look pathetic. It's something I can deal with.

I love my XBOX. I can't live without it. I have met some of the most interesting people on Live. I have met some really good friends on there. Friends who I couldn't imagine being without.

Why do I love XBOX Live? I get to socialize, somewhat. But mostly, I get to be competitive. I get to be myself. I AM that person who trash talks (minimally) and yells at the TV. I even broke my headset the other day after throwing it at my TV, picking it up, and throwing it at the wall again. Headset cost $80, so it wasn't such a great idea. I don't know anyone who hasn't broke something from being angry. Lots of broken controllers, headsets, remotes, ect. I love it. I really do. I love gaming and I'm not afraid to admit it. I even joined GameBattles last month so maybe I can do the whole clan thing. No, nevermind, I don't want to.

I really hate being stereotyped as that ditzy stupid girl playing XBOX and going negative every game. I'm not that girl. I just went 25-2 one game today. I'm so awesome at CoD when I actually try. I really started getting bored with that game lately so I haven't been trying, and my KDR has been going down the drain. It's like 1.10 now, and that's terrible. So I have to start bringing that up.

If any who reads this actually plays, make sure you add my GT: x50calxsniper

Moral of the story: I not ashamed of my XBOX love

.............................................................................................................................

Also, I'm getting worried about the situation in Georgia with Russia right now. I have a feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better.

I walked/jogged 4 miles today. Big accomplishment for me. I need to do this if I'm gonna do the CRIM.


XD.

And the winner is...

So much has been going on lately that I don't even know where to begin. I can't believe its already Thursday, and since I tend to sleep the entire morning and most of the afternoon, the day is nearly over. I haven't been to the office since last Saturday (when I last blogged), but I've been doing my work from home.

On Monday I had to go to a rally in preparation for the next day, which was when the polls open. I ended up being an hour and a half late, which turned out fine. I got my t-shirt and my polling location and I was ready to go. I drove over to my brother's apartment to spend the night so I wouldn't have to drive an hour and a half at 5 in the morning. Well, it was raining that morning so I didn't actually get up until 7:30. I took a shower and ended up at the polling location at 9:30. Basically for the next 10 hours, I was out in the blistering hot sun supplying people with information about my candidate, hoping that they would vote for him. It was just so hot, that's all I can really remember.

Well I found out the next morning that my candidate came in a VERY close second, meaning he didn't win. But it was still worth it. He needed as much support as he could get.

Yesterday I was bored so I went to the theater to see Pineapple Express. I laughed a lot and really enjoyed it. I've always hearted James Franco in everything he's done.

There's a new walking path in my town that stretches 4 miles in length to the next town north of it. I'm going to go check that out that. Maybe I'll go the whole 8 miles, maybe not. We will see. I'm still preparing for the CRIM on August 23. Trying to get all healthy-like.

My brother became an uncle today! Congratulations on the baby J&S! It's the first baby within my brother's circle of friends, so I just know the baby is going to be well taken care of by everyone.

I don't have much more to comment on right now. I've been trying to get some stuff done for work and mostly hanging out. I hope you have a wonderful day!

XD.

Because I'm Gold

Being a "gold" person, it is important to me to keep my life in order by means of listmaking. I think in order to figure out what I want, then I'm going to make a list of, well, all the things I want. It would probably help me figure myself out a little more.

I also want to point out that its 10:37 on a Saturday morning. I got my ass out of bed for a 10 a.m. meeting on a Saturday morning. I drove an hour and a half to the city (Detroit), and I got here 20 minutes late (reaalllyy shitty morning). ANNDDD the meeting hasn't started yet...It's almost 11 a.m. If someone would've told me...I would've came at 11. So I wouldn't have had to wake my hungover ass out of bed at 7:30 for this. On a Saturday morning. It's alright though. It gives me time to blog. hehe. It's now 10:40. I should be sleeping.

Things I want:
-I want to be happy
-I want to make other people happy
-I want to make time for other people
-I want graduate
-I want to move out of Michigan
-I want to move East, West or South
-I want to have money
-I want to drive my OWN car
-I want to love someone who loves me in return
-I want to love someone who is willing to spend as much time as me as I am on them
-I want to stop feeling crappy all the time
-I want to stop starting these sentences off by I want

There's hella more that I want, but those are what's important to me.

I think the things that I want are things that everyone wants. The difference between wanting and having is that I have to go out and get these things. Money, love and expensive cars are not going to fall in my lap. I have to go GET THEM. I know this. The money's out there. It is. It's sitting out there, waiting for me. I have to go get it (legitimately). Don't stop trying; don't give up. If I want it, then I have to go get it. I wish I was the kind of person who works 80 hours a week, is never home, and is a millionaire by age 25. I choose not to be. I could be. But I'm not.

I don't know. I don't know about anything. Why can't the people that are supposed to love me just love me? It seems like I get in that pre-dating phase and everythings great, but once I'm in the im-your-girlfriend phase, things go to hell and other guys start coming into the picture. I have to push people away because I'm taken. This is making me think that I should stay out of the girlfriend phase and stay in the pre-girlfriend phase. The phase that gives you butterflies in the tummy. And things stay fresh and exciting and you can't wait to talk to them everyday...ahh the good times.

:)

Alright, its 11. The meeting I think might be starting soon. Maybe. Have a wonderful day!

XD.

It's time...

...for a rant. For sure. I'm just slightly irked and I need to get this out of my system before I can head off to bed.

My "boyfriend"--we will call him V--and I have a very complicated relationship. Things were so great in the beginning. Now, I don't think either of us has the slightest clue what's been making things shitty. Well, because of the fact that neither of us could deal with any more drama, I decided to stop constantly acting out at him because of my anger towards him and his complete and utter disregard for my feelings. He went out to sea (he's a sailor in the U.S. Navy) all week and came back today. I thought everything was fine and perfect and wonderful, ect.

Life decided to throw me a curve ball in the midst of my new beginning and fabulous new outlook.

V decides to tell me today that he might be marrying another girl by September.

Whoa whoa whoa....wait a minute...slam on the brakes.......what the hell did he just say?

This 'other' girl has been a longtime friend of his, his first crush, ect., andddd she is also an illegal immigrant. Who was secretly married, but her partner decided to have a real marriage because he fell in love. So because of this divorce, her immigration case has been frozen. She may be kicked out of the country.

So my so so awesome boyfriend fucking volunteers to marry her if worse comes to worse.

I really still can't fathom this entire situation. I feel completely tossed aside like a piece of trash. This girl that he's loved for years suddenly needs someone to marry her, OF COURSE he's going to jump at the opportunity. I had a bad feeling about her ever since he first told me about her. The way he talks about her so lovingly....

Whatever. Things are rough, tough, and complicated. The only conclusion that I can come up with is that if I love him, then I will have to support his decisions because he thinks that the decisions are the right ones. And if he loves me, then how the hell could he ever tell another girl that he would marry her?

I am lost, confused, sad, angry, torn....so many things. I just..don't understand why shitty things keep happening in this relationship. He wants me to go home with him for Christmas, but I don't see how I could do that if he's married to a girl living in the same town. I would feel so weird.

So what's the deal? Do I move on because of how low he just made me feel? Or do I support him? He said if he lost everything, he wouldn't regret marrying her. Does that include losing me?

<3
XD.

Professionally speaking..

For someone who wants to blog, I never really know what I want to talk about. I sit down, log in and get ready to start typing, but I never know what I want to say. All I know is that I just want to say something. Anything. Which is why I think my posts really aren't that all exciting. I'll work on it.

I realized today that I am a young professional. A young professional. That actually sounds a little intimidating. I'm not entirely sure that it's what I even want to be. I would like to think that I'm more free-spirited than to be sitting behind a computer in an office all day. Like today, for example, I went to work, came home from work, and then I worked. There's a lot of things I have to do before 5 p.m. tomorrow, so I came home to work on them since the office gets pretty crazy and its hard to concentrate.

I was a couple hours late for work. I don't even know why. I thought I was going to fix my car, but I didn't. I was on my way to work when I realized I didn't bring "office" shoes with me, which I usually keep in my car, and I wear other shoes when I drive (I don't like wearing heels when I drive). I made a quick stop to pick up a pair of (what else?) heels with a satin black and white pattern. Pretty.

I got to work thinking I missed the usual Tuesday two-hour meeting, but I was told there was no meeting. If I would've came to work in time for the meeting, I would've been mad for getting there so early (10 a.m.) without there being a meeting. No one contacted me. I'm glad I slept in.

So anyway, I drove the 1.5 hour drive home from work (at least I can drive 90 mph when traffic isn't backed up) and worked when I got home. I made some materials for the media kit. The media kit is kind of turning into my baby. I really want to out the whole thing together myself because I...pretty much only trust me to do things right. That's terrible, I know. But it's true. I just like the way I do things.

So I've also started training for a 5k. Which is crazy. Because I don't run. Ever. Don't get me wrong, I love running. But I don't run. I went outside today to run for a little while, and did quite well. I've been pretty impressed with myself actually. I just need to push myself a little harder everyday for a race that's in 3 weeks. I hope it's enough time. But I it's something I need to do for myself. I plan on partying hard later that night. CMU WELCOME WEEKEND! No, I don't have classes, but technically I'm still a student, so yes, I will party at college as I see fit.

Things I Hate at the Moment: traffic, central air conditioning, bitches and hos, 100 degree days with HIGH humidity, car problems (no A/C, rearview mirrow melted off), slow drivers, poor communication, not finding time to play xbox, moving, babies

Things I Love at the Moment: LG Dare, having flexibility at work, days off, RSV2, water, ok there's definitely more things that I hate...that can't be a good sign

XD.

Welcome!

This is my little blog. I must say, I have a feeling that I am going to be spending a lot of time behind the screen of a computer. I can tell that typing mucho is in my future.

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm the typical trainwreck of a girl, trying to balance all aspects of my life. Sometimes I let these things clash, which I must learn not to do, because the results are usually overwhelming. I am a media relations/public relations/corporate communications coordinator at a major radio station, working to promote the new format and the new talk show. I'm only an intern, but since this is a new show, its success relies heavily on the interns. I don't think the show has the kind of budget right now to hire full-time employees. It's really great and I'm definitely enjoying it right now. I'm so far four weeks into it. It's only supposed to be part-time, but by the time you work and attend all the events, its very time consuming.

In my personal life, I just moved back to my home town. I'm still in the process of unpacking. Scratch that, I guess I would actually have to start unpacking to begin the process, right? Things are starting to look better for me now than they have been. I've been going through a little rough patch but I'm starting to get my life back in order. It's all just a game of balancing.

Well, that's just a little bit about myself. I hope you enjoy reading this blog because I will probably update it reguarly if I know people read it. Let me know if you do by commenting or something. It will get more interesting, I promise! I plan on venting and raving on here.

XD